Lesson 86: How to Grow in Self-Control
A person may possess intelligence, talent, influence, and opportunity while repeatedly damaging his life through a lack of self-control.
One uncontrolled area can affect:
health;
marriage;
finances;
ministry;
work;
reputation;
and fellowship with God.
A person may know what is right and still feel pulled by:
appetite;
anger;
lust;
comfort;
attention;
entertainment;
spending;
or the desire for immediate relief.
He says:
“I know I should stop, but I do not.”
“I intended to use only a little.”
“I spoke before I thought.”
“I lost control.”
“I will change tomorrow.”
Scripture presents self-control as part of mature Christian character.
The KJV commonly uses the word temperance.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Meekness, temperance:
against such there is no law.”
— Galatians 5:22–23, KJV
Self-control is not merely a strong personality.
It is fruit produced as the believer submits his whole life to the Holy Ghost.
What Is Biblical Self-Control?
Biblical self-control is the Spirit-enabled ability to bring desires, impulses, emotions, appetites, speech, and conduct beneath the authority of God.
It does not mean the believer never experiences strong desire.
It means desire does not receive final authority.
Self-control says:
“I feel this urge, but I do not have to obey it.”
“I am angry, but anger will not choose my words.”
“I want immediate pleasure, but Christ is Lord over my body.”
“I feel uncomfortable, but I will not escape through sin.”
Self-control is not self-rule independent of God.
It is the self brought under God’s rule.
A Life Without Self-Control Is Left Unguarded
Proverbs says:
“He that hath no rule over his own spirit
is like a city that is broken down,
and without walls.”
— Proverbs 25:28, KJV
Ancient city walls provided protection.
A city without walls was exposed to invasion.
In the same way, a person without self-control is left open to every passing desire.
His conduct is controlled by:
what feels good;
what feels urgent;
what provides relief;
or what attracts attention.
He may possess convictions, but those convictions are repeatedly overrun because nothing guards the point of entry.
Self-Control Protects What Matters
Boundaries are not merely restrictions.
They protect something valuable.
Self-control protects:
a clean conscience;
a marriage;
physical health;
financial stewardship;
a testimony;
a ministry;
and time that can be used for eternal purposes.
The undisciplined person sees only what restraint prevents him from having.
The wise believer also sees what restraint preserves.
Self-Control Is Better Than Outward Power
Proverbs says:
“He that is slow to anger
is better than the mighty;
and he that ruleth his spirit
than he that taketh a city.”
— Proverbs 16:32, KJV
A person may conquer outward challenges while remaining unable to govern himself.
He may lead others but not control his temper.
He may manage an organization but not his spending.
He may speak publicly about holiness while privately yielding to appetite.
Scripture values inward rule above impressive outward achievement.
Self-Control Is Not Salvation by Discipline
A person is not saved because he becomes disciplined.
Some unbelievers possess remarkable self-control.
They may follow strict routines, resist certain pleasures, and accomplish difficult goals.
Those abilities do not reconcile anyone to God.
Salvation comes through Jesus Christ.
He died for sins and rose again.
Christian self-control grows from grace received, not salvation earned.
Grace Trains Believers to Live Soberly
Paul writes:
“For the grace of God that bringeth salvation
hath appeared to all men,
Teaching us that, denying ungodliness
and worldly lusts,
we should live soberly, righteously, and godly,
in this present world;”
— Titus 2:11–12, KJV
Grace does not merely forgive past sin.
Grace teaches.
It trains believers to:
deny;
refuse;
and live differently.
Saving grace does not say:
“Your desires no longer matter because everything is forgiven.”
It teaches the believer to deny worldly lusts and live soberly.
Self-Control Is Not Willpower Alone
Willpower has a place.
Believers make real decisions.
They must choose to:
stop;
leave;
refuse;
close;
turn away;
and obey.
But Christian self-control is not built upon confidence in unaided human strength.
A person may remain disciplined while:
circumstances are easy;
motivation is high;
or consequences are immediate.
Then pressure exposes the weakness of willpower alone.
The believer needs:
God’s Word;
the Holy Ghost;
prayer;
grace;
fellowship;
and wise structure.
Depending on the Holy Ghost Does Not Remove Choice
Some people wait passively for God to remove every desire.
They say:
“When the urge disappears, I will obey.”
But obedience is often required while desire remains strong.
The Holy Ghost supplies truth, conviction, strength, and a way forward.
The believer must respond.
Dependence is not inactivity.
It is acting through strength received from God rather than boasting in self-sufficiency.
Self-Control Does Not Mean Suppressing Every Emotion
Emotions are not automatically sinful.
Jesus experienced:
sorrow;
compassion;
grief;
and righteous anger.
Self-control does not mean refusing to feel.
It means emotions are expressed truthfully and righteously rather than allowed to dominate conduct.
You may say:
“I am angry.”
“I am deeply hurt.”
“I feel afraid.”
But you must not conclude:
“Therefore, anything I do next is justified.”
Self-Control Does Not Mean Harsh Self-Punishment
Some people attempt to gain control through:
self-hatred;
extreme deprivation;
physical punishment;
or cruel internal speech.
That is not biblical sanctification.
The body belongs to God and should be treated with holiness and responsible care.
Discipline may feel uncomfortable.
It should not become self-destruction.
The goal is not to punish yourself into acceptability.
It is to obey Christ through grace.
Desires Are Not All Equally Sinful
Some desires are inherently sinful.
Others are legitimate but can become excessive or controlling.
Food is necessary.
Rest is necessary.
Money can be useful.
Technology can serve good purposes.
Recreation can refresh.
The problem may not be the existence of the desire.
The problem may be that the desire has become master.
Paul writes:
“All things are lawful unto me,
but all things are not expedient:
all things are lawful for me,
but I will not be brought under
the power of any.”
— 1 Corinthians 6:12, KJV
A permissible thing should not possess ruling power.
Ask Whether You Are Being Controlled
A helpful question is:
“Can I say no?”
Can you put down the phone?
Can you stop eating when enough has been received?
Can you delay a purchase?
Can you remain silent before sending the angry message?
Can you rest without becoming lazy?
Can you work without neglecting God and family?
Can you enjoy something without requiring it for emotional stability?
Difficulty saying no may reveal where desire has gained too much control.
Sin Seeks to Reign
Paul writes:
“Let not sin therefore reign
in your mortal body,
that ye should obey it
in the lusts thereof.”
— Romans 6:12, KJV
Sin desires more than one isolated action.
It seeks to reign.
It wants obedience.
It wants the body, mind, schedule, and environment arranged around its demands.
The believer must not treat sin as a harmless guest.
Through Christ, sin must no longer be accepted as king.
The Body Is Not the Enemy
The body is not inherently evil.
God created human beings as embodied persons.
The body can be used to:
work;
serve;
worship;
care;
and obey.
The problem is not that the believer possesses a body.
The problem is allowing sinful desire to use the body against God.
Paul commands believers to present themselves to God and their bodily members as instruments of righteousness.
The body must become a servant of obedience rather than an instrument of sin.
Possess Your Body in Honor
Paul writes:
“That every one of you should know
how to possess his vessel
in sanctification and honour;”
— 1 Thessalonians 4:4, KJV
The believer must learn how to govern bodily conduct honorably.
That includes areas such as:
sexual behavior;
food;
drink;
rest;
work;
physical care;
and use of the senses.
Lesson 34 treated sexual purity directly.
The broader principle here is that bodily desire must remain beneath holiness.
Self-Control Requires Awareness
Many failures appear sudden but follow a recognizable pattern.
There may be:
a time of day;
an emotion;
a location;
a device;
a person;
or a condition
that usually precedes the loss of control.
Examples include:
eating excessively when lonely;
spending when discouraged;
speaking harshly when exhausted;
viewing sinful material late at night;
or scrolling endlessly when avoiding responsibility.
Self-control grows as patterns become visible.
Identify the Trigger, but Do Not Blame It
A trigger helps explain why temptation became stronger.
It does not remove responsibility.
You may say:
“I was exhausted.”
“I felt rejected.”
“I was under pressure.”
Those facts matter.
But they should lead to preparation, not excuse.
Ask:
“What safeguard was missing?”
“What should I do before reaching that condition again?”
Do Not Make Provision for the Flesh
Paul writes:
“But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ,
and make not provision for the flesh,
to fulfil the lusts thereof.”
— Romans 13:14, KJV
Provision means arranging supply in advance.
A person may pray for self-control while maintaining every condition that supports failure.
He keeps:
the application;
the hidden account;
the unrestricted money;
the private access;
or the same unwise routine.
That is making provision.
Do not stock the room for the sin you claim to be resisting.
Remove Easy Access
Self-control is not proved by keeping temptation constantly available.
Wisdom may require:
deleting an application;
installing accountability software;
moving money into a less accessible account;
avoiding a location;
removing certain foods or substances;
ending private communication;
or changing the evening routine.
Removing access does not mean the heart has completed its growth.
It creates needed protection while deeper transformation continues.
Do Not Test Yourself Unnecessarily
A person may say:
“I need to prove that I can be around this without yielding.”
That may be pride, not maturity.
Scripture often says:
flee;
avoid;
turn away;
and make no provision.
Do not enter unnecessary temptation merely to discover whether you are strong enough.
A wise person does not walk close to the edge to demonstrate balance.
Flee and Pursue
Paul tells Timothy:
“Flee also youthful lusts:
but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace,
with them that call on the Lord
out of a pure heart.”
— 2 Timothy 2:22, KJV
The verse contains two movements:
flee;
and follow.
Merely removing a sinful habit can leave an empty space.
That space should be filled with righteous pursuit.
Replace:
corrupt entertainment with worthwhile activity;
impulsive spending with planned stewardship;
angry speech with prayer and measured conversation;
isolated struggle with faithful fellowship.
Replacement Is Stronger Than Mere Prohibition
The mind often hears only:
“Do not.”
Biblical change also asks:
“What should take its place?”
Instead of merely saying:
“Do not waste the evening,”
plan something useful.
Instead of:
“Do not respond angrily,”
prepare truthful and controlled words.
Instead of:
“Do not seek comfort through excess,”
identify a healthy and righteous response to distress.
Self-control becomes stronger when obedience has a clear form.
Train Like an Athlete
Paul writes:
“And every man that striveth for the mastery
is temperate in all things.
Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown;
but we an incorruptible.”
— 1 Corinthians 9:25, KJV
Athletes accept restraint because they value the goal.
They organize:
food;
sleep;
practice;
and attention
around what they seek to accomplish.
The Christian has an eternal purpose greater than an earthly crown.
Self-control becomes more meaningful when Christ and eternity are valued above immediate comfort.
Discipline Requires a Greater Desire
Merely saying no becomes difficult when the heart sees nothing greater.
Paul disciplined himself because he was running for an incorruptible crown.
The believer must remember what uncontrolled desire threatens and what obedience serves.
Christ is better than temporary pleasure.
A clean conscience is better than hidden bondage.
Eternal reward is better than immediate applause.
A useful life is better than slavery to appetite.
Bring the Body Into Subjection
Paul continues:
“But I keep under my body,
and bring it into subjection:
lest that by any means,
when I have preached to others,
I myself should be a castaway.”
— 1 Corinthians 9:27, KJV
Paul did not assume that public ministry removed the need for personal discipline.
The preacher also had to govern himself.
Religious activity does not protect a person who continually gives desire control.
Private discipline matters even when public service appears fruitful.
The Word “No” Must Become Part of Discipleship
Modern culture often treats personal desire as sacred.
It says:
“If you strongly desire it, expressing it is authentic.”
Jesus teaches self-denial.
The disciple must learn to say:
“No, this desire does not honor God.”
“No, this is not wise.”
“No, I do not need immediate gratification.”
“No, my body and emotions are not my lord.”
Saying no to the flesh is part of saying yes to Christ.
Self-Control in Speech
Words can leave the mouth before wisdom governs them.
The person may:
interrupt;
exaggerate;
gossip;
insult;
or send a message immediately.
Lesson 37 addresses the tongue in depth.
The principle here is that speech should not be controlled by the first impulse.
Pause.
Read the message again.
Ask whether the words are:
true;
necessary;
fair;
and appropriately timed.
Sometimes self-control means waiting before speaking.
Sometimes it means speaking when fear wants silence.
Self-Control in Anger
Anger can create a feeling of urgency.
It says:
“Respond now.”
“Make them feel what you feel.”
Lesson 38 addressed anger and bitterness fully.
Self-control establishes space between anger and action.
It may require:
leaving the room temporarily;
lowering the voice;
refusing to drive while enraged;
or postponing a conversation until sober thought returns.
Controlled anger can address wrong.
Uncontrolled anger produces additional wrong.
Self-Control in Eating and Drinking
Food is a gift from God.
It can be received with thanksgiving.
Yet appetite should not become master.
The same principle applies even more seriously to intoxicating substances that impair judgment or create destructive dependence.
Avoid mockery and simplistic judgments.
Eating patterns and substance use can involve physical, psychological, social, and spiritual factors.
A person may need:
medical care;
professional treatment;
structured support;
or recovery programs
in addition to prayer and accountability.
Seeking help is not a failure of faith.
Self-Control in Spending
A desire can become a purchase within seconds.
Advertising encourages urgency:
“Buy now.”
“You deserve this.”
“You may miss the opportunity.”
Self-control creates delay.
Before unnecessary spending, ask:
“Can I afford this?”
“Does this serve a real purpose?”
“Am I trying to change an emotion through buying?”
“Will this interfere with responsibilities or giving?”
A waiting period can reveal whether the desire is wise or merely impulsive.
Self-Control in Technology
Phones and digital platforms are designed to hold attention.
A person may begin with a legitimate purpose and lose an hour.
Technology can be used for:
work;
ministry;
learning;
and communication.
It can also feed:
lust;
comparison;
anger;
distraction;
and neglect.
Use practical limits.
Turn off unnecessary notifications.
Keep devices away from vulnerable settings.
Decide when use begins and ends.
The device should serve the believer.
The believer should not become its servant.
Self-Control in Rest and Work
Some people lack discipline because they refuse necessary work.
Others lack discipline because they cannot stop working.
Both can be forms of disorder.
Laziness avoids responsibility.
Overwork may be driven by:
pride;
fear;
money;
or the need to feel important.
Self-control governs both effort and rest.
Work faithfully.
Rest responsibly.
Do not allow either comfort or ambition to become master.
Lesson 89 will address stewardship of time more fully.
Self-Control Is Not the Same Rule for Every Person
Different people have different vulnerabilities and responsibilities.
One person may use something moderately without difficulty.
Another may need complete abstinence because of:
history;
conscience;
health;
or repeated loss of control.
Do not mock another believer’s wise restriction.
Do not demand that everyone adopt your personal boundary as though it were a universal biblical command.
Distinguish Scripture’s clear requirements from personal safeguards.
Personal Boundaries Should Be Honest
A boundary should address the real pattern.
Do not choose a limit that appears disciplined but leaves the main access untouched.
If the problem occurs at midnight, a morning rule may accomplish little.
If private access is the issue, vague promises are insufficient.
Ask:
“What boundary would make obedience more likely and secrecy more difficult?”
Accountability Helps Bring the Hidden Life Into Light
Self-control should not become solitary pride.
A trustworthy believer can ask:
“Did you keep the boundary?”
“What happened before the failure?”
“What needs to change?”
Choose someone who will combine:
truth;
grace;
confidentiality;
and courage.
Accountability is not surveillance that removes all personal responsibility.
It helps the believer practice honesty and wise support.
Confess Before Complete Collapse
Do not wait until an uncontrolled habit causes public destruction.
Speak while the pattern is still developing.
Say:
“I am beginning to lose control in this area.”
“I need help establishing limits.”
Early honesty can prevent deeper bondage.
Pride prefers secrecy.
Humility brings the struggle into appropriate light.
Some Problems Require Professional Care
A serious eating disorder, addiction, compulsive behavior, trauma response, or other health-related condition may require qualified treatment.
Do not tell people that all such struggles can be solved by trying harder.
Spiritual responsibility remains real.
So do bodily and psychological realities.
Prayer, Scripture, medical care, counseling, structured treatment, and Christian fellowship can work together.
Immediate danger or risk of self-harm requires urgent assistance and should not be handled alone.
Self-Control Must Not Become Control of Other People
A person who feels unable to control himself may attempt to control everyone around him.
He makes rigid demands.
He monitors others excessively.
He becomes angry when they do not follow his preferences.
Biblical self-control means governing your own conduct beneath God.
It does not authorize domination of another adult.
Leadership, parenting, and protection involve legitimate authority and boundaries.
They do not remove another person’s moral responsibility before God.
Discipline Eventually Bears Fruit
Hebrews says:
“Now no chastening for the present
seemeth to be joyous, but grievous:
nevertheless afterward
it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness
unto them which are exercised thereby.”
— Hebrews 12:11, KJV
Discipline often feels unpleasant now.
The fruit comes afterward.
Immediate desire sees only the present discomfort.
Wisdom sees:
freedom;
stability;
trust;
usefulness;
and a clean conscience
that may grow through repeated obedience.
Add Temperance Diligently
Peter writes:
“And beside this, giving all diligence,
add to your faith virtue;
and to virtue knowledge;
And to knowledge temperance;
and to temperance patience…”
— 2 Peter 1:5–6, KJV
Temperance is not expected to appear without deliberate participation.
Peter says:
“giving all diligence.”
God supplies grace and life.
The believer practices, organizes, refuses, pursues, and grows.
Spiritual discipline is not opposed to grace.
Grace makes holy discipline possible and meaningful.
Small Decisions Form Stronger Patterns
A life of self-control is not usually created through one dramatic moment.
It develops through choices such as:
stopping after one portion;
putting the phone away;
following the spending plan;
ending the conversation before anger takes over;
going to bed responsibly;
or completing the necessary work before seeking entertainment.
Small decisions become habits.
Habits shape character.
Character affects the direction of life.
Failure Must Not Become Permission to Surrender
When self-control fails, the flesh says:
“You already ruined the day.”
“You may as well continue.”
Grace says:
“Confess and return now.”
Do not turn one failure into a week of surrender.
Stop.
Confess specifically.
Remove remaining access.
Tell the accountable person.
Examine the pattern.
Begin again immediately.
Quick repentance is part of growing self-control.
Do Not Make Promises You Have Not Prepared to Keep
After failure, people often make extreme promises:
“I will never do this again.”
Strong language may produce temporary relief without changing the environment.
A better response includes:
honest confession;
a realistic boundary;
outside help;
and a specific next action.
Sincerity matters.
Structure helps sincerity become practice.
Watch and Remain Sober
Peter writes:
“Be sober, be vigilant;
because your adversary the devil,
as a roaring lion, walketh about,
seeking whom he may devour:”
— 1 Peter 5:8, KJV
Sobriety means clear, watchful judgment.
Self-control weakens when the believer becomes careless.
Know the vulnerable times.
Do not become overconfident because you have experienced several victories.
Remain grateful.
Remain guarded.
Remain dependent.
Do Not Let Good Things Overcharge the Heart
Jesus warned:
“And take heed to yourselves,
lest at any time your hearts be overcharged
with surfeiting, and drunkenness,
and cares of this life…”
— Luke 21:34, KJV
A heart can become weighed down by excess and earthly care.
Self-control helps preserve spiritual alertness.
The question is not only:
“Is this activity obviously sinful?”
Also ask:
“Is it dulling my attention to God?”
“Is it consuming strength needed for obedience?”
A Biblical Self-Control Pattern
1. Name the Area of Lost Control
Be specific about the desire, habit, emotion, appetite, or conduct.
2. Identify the Trigger and Pattern
Notice when, where, and why the failure usually begins.
3. Confess Sin Without Excusing the Condition
Take responsibility while addressing exhaustion, distress, illness, or other contributing factors.
4. Remove Provision
Restrict access, change the environment, and stop preparing for the flesh.
5. Establish a Righteous Replacement
Decide what obedient action will take the old habit’s place.
6. Ask for Spirit-Supplied Strength
Pray before the vulnerable moment, not only after failure.
7. Use Practical Boundaries
Make obedience easier and secrecy more difficult.
8. Invite Accountability and Qualified Help
Do not allow pride to keep a controlling pattern hidden.
9. Practice Small Acts of Restraint
Build steadiness through repeated choices.
10. Return Quickly After Failure
Confess, learn, adjust, and continue without surrendering to shame.
A Self-Control Examination
The area in which I am being controlled is:
The desire promises me:
What it actually produces is:
The usual trigger is:
The access or provision I must remove is:
The righteous replacement will be:
The boundary I will establish is:
The person or professional support I will contact is:
Discipleship Questions
- What is the difference between biblical self-control and independent human willpower?
- Why can a legitimate desire such as food, rest, work, recreation, or technology still become spiritually controlling?
- What does it mean to make provision for the flesh, and what provision might need to be removed from your life?
- Why should self-control include both fleeing the wrong desire and pursuing a righteous replacement?
- Which area of your life most clearly demonstrates that knowing what is right is not yet the same as consistently practicing it?
Closing Exhortation
Grow in self-control.
Do not call desire lord.
Do not call impulse freedom.
Do not call uncontrolled anger honesty.
Do not call overwork faithfulness.
Do not call excess harmless merely because the object itself can be lawful.
Your body belongs to God.
Your words belong to God.
Your appetites, money, attention, habits, and emotions must come beneath Jesus Christ.
Do not trust willpower alone.
Do not wait passively for every desire to disappear.
Walk in the Spirit.
Receive the training of grace.
Remove provision for the flesh.
Flee what must be fled.
Pursue what is righteous.
Use wise boundaries.
Seek help before the damage becomes greater.
Practice small acts of obedience.
When you fail, return quickly.
Rule your spirit through strength supplied by God.
Do not live as a broken-down city without walls.
Let the Holy Ghost produce temperance so that every part of life becomes increasingly useful for the glory of Jesus Christ.
A Prayer for Self-Control
Father,
My life, body, mind, words, appetites, emotions, money, time, and habits belong to You.
Forgive me for the desires and impulses I have allowed to rule me.
Forgive me for making provision for the flesh while asking You for victory.
Show me where I have confused freedom with lack of restraint.
Teach me through Your grace to deny ungodliness and worldly lusts and to live soberly, righteously, and godly in this present world.
Produce temperance in me through the Holy Ghost.
Give me wisdom to recognize triggers, patterns, and vulnerable moments.
Give me courage to remove access and establish honest boundaries.
Help me flee sinful desires and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace.
Keep me from harsh self-punishment, prideful willpower, secrecy, and despair.
Give me humility to seek accountability, medical care, counseling, structured treatment, or practical support when needed.
Teach me to govern my speech, anger, appetite, spending, technology, work, and rest beneath Your authority.
When I fail, lead me quickly into confession and corrected action.
Help me remember that immediate pleasure is temporary, but faithfulness to Christ has eternal value.
Bring my body into honorable service.
Make my private life consistent with my public profession.
Let every growing victory display the power of Your grace rather than confidence in myself.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
Next Step
Choose one area in which desire has gained too much power.
Complete these statements:
The Desire or Habit Is
It Usually Begins When
I Have Been Making Provision Through
Today I Will Remove
I Will Replace It With
My Specific Boundary Is
I Will Tell
Remove the access today.
Do not merely intend to change later.
Establish the replacement before the next vulnerable moment.
Tell one trustworthy person what boundary you have chosen.
Then practice one deliberate act of self-control through the grace God supplies.
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