Lesson 38 How to Forgive Those Who Hurt You
Anger can arise quickly.
Someone speaks carelessly.
A promise is broken.
A person acts selfishly.
An injustice occurs.
You are ignored, embarrassed, falsely accused, betrayed, or treated unfairly.
The offense may be real.
But what happens after the offense can become another spiritual danger.
Paul writes:
“Be ye angry, and sin not:
let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
Neither give place to the devil.”
— Ephesians 4:26–27, KJV
Scripture does not pretend that anger never appears.
It commands us not to sin in anger.
It warns us not to keep wrath alive.
It warns that unresolved anger can give place to the devil.
The offense may have begun with someone else.
Your response still belongs beneath God’s authority.
Not Every Anger Is Identical
The Bible speaks of God’s righteous anger against sin.
Jesus also looked upon hard-hearted people with anger and grief.
Therefore, the mere existence of anger does not always mean that a person has already committed sin.
Anger may recognize that something is wrong.
It may alert you that a boundary was violated, a person was harmed, truth was rejected, or justice was denied.
But human anger is easily mixed with sinful motives.
We may be angry because God was dishonored.
We may also be angry because our pride was wounded, our plans were interrupted, or someone refused to give us what we wanted.
What begins as concern over a real wrong may quickly become:
self-righteousness;
personal vengeance;
cruel speech;
exaggeration;
hatred;
or a desire to make another person suffer.
Therefore, anger must be examined rather than automatically trusted.
Ask Whether Your Anger Is Right
Jonah became angry because God showed mercy to Nineveh.
God asked him:
“Doest thou well to be angry?”
— Jonah 4:4, KJV
That question should be brought into our own anger.
“Do I do well to be angry?”
“What exactly am I angry about?”
“Was God’s command violated—or merely my preference?”
“Am I seeking what is right, or demanding that everything go my way?”
“Am I grieved over sin, or mainly insulted that I was not honored?”
“Is my anger proportionate to what happened?”
“Am I more angry over another person’s failure than over my own?”
A strong feeling does not prove that the feeling is righteous.
Anger can become a lawyer that argues continually in its own defense.
Let Scripture examine it.
Anger Is a Warning, Not a Master
Anger may reveal that something requires attention.
But it should not be given authority to decide what happens next.
Anger says:
“Answer immediately.”
“Make them feel what you feel.”
“Tell everyone what they did.”
“Do something they will remember.”
“Do not let this go.”
Scripture says:
“He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty;
and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.”
— Proverbs 16:32, KJV
Real strength is not proved by releasing everything you feel.
It is proved by governing yourself beneath God.
A person may control a company, command employees, influence a crowd, or lead a household while being unable to control his own angry reaction.
God calls that person to a greater victory:
Rule your spirit.
Anger Must Not Be Allowed to Settle
Ecclesiastes warns:
“Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry:
for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.”
— Ecclesiastes 7:9, KJV
Anger may arrive quickly.
The danger increases when it is given a resting place.
The person keeps it near.
Replays the offense.
Adds imagined details.
Repeats the story inwardly.
Remembers every similar injury.
Constructs speeches he would like to deliver.
Imagines the other person being humiliated.
Anger is no longer merely a response to an event.
It has become a companion.
Paul says:
“Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”
This does not mean that every complicated conflict must be completely resolved before nightfall.
Some matters require time, information, prayer, counsel, or lawful action.
The command means that anger must not be deliberately cherished and carried forward as an accepted possession.
Do not give wrath a permanent room in your heart.
God Warned Cain Before the Violence
Cain became angry when God rejected his offering.
Scripture says:
“And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth?
and why is thy countenance fallen?
If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted?
and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door.”
— Genesis 4:6–7, KJV
God addressed Cain before Cain killed Abel.
Anger was already moving toward something worse.
Sin was at the door.
Cain needed to rule rather than be ruled.
Instead of receiving God’s correction, he turned his anger toward his brother.
This pattern still occurs.
A person is corrected, disappointed, or exposed.
Rather than examining himself, he directs anger toward someone else.
He blames the person who delivered the truth.
He punishes someone who did not create the real problem.
Anger must be addressed at the door.
Do not wait until it has entered and taken control.
Human Wrath Does Not Produce God’s Righteousness
James writes:
“For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
— James 1:20, KJV
People often excuse wrath by claiming to defend righteousness.
They say:
“I am only angry because I care about truth.”
But the result may be cruelty, humiliation, reckless accusation, and sinful speech.
God’s righteous purpose is not advanced through the uncontrolled wrath of man.
You may be correct about the original wrong and still respond wrongly.
You may possess facts and still speak with malice.
You may identify sin accurately and still become sinful in the way you address it.
Do not assume that a righteous cause sanctifies every reaction.
God’s work must be done in God’s way.
Anger Often Seeks Immediate Punishment
Anger wants the offender to pay now.
It may punish through:
silence intended to wound;
public humiliation;
withdrawal of appropriate affection;
gossip;
mockery;
threats;
destruction of property;
withholding something rightfully owed;
or continually reminding the person of the failure.
Some consequences and boundaries may be legitimate.
Certain wrongs must be reported or addressed.
But personal punishment is different from righteous protection or lawful accountability.
Ask:
“Am I trying to solve the problem?”
“Or am I trying to make this person hurt because I hurt?”
That question often reveals whether anger has become vengeance.
David Was Stopped From Avenging Himself
Nabal treated David and his men with contempt after they had protected his shepherds.
David became angry and prepared to kill Nabal and the men of his household.
Abigail intervened wisely.
After listening, David said:
“Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou,
which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood,
and from avenging myself with mine own hand.”
— 1 Samuel 25:32–33, KJV
David had been wronged.
His plan was still wrong.
In anger, he was prepared to commit a far greater evil than the offense done against him.
God used Abigail to interrupt him.
Be willing to be interrupted.
A mature believer, spouse, pastor, friend, or even an unexpected delay may help stop you from acting under anger.
Do not reject every warning simply because you feel justified.
You may later thank God for preventing something that could not easily have been undone.
Bitterness Grows From a Hidden Root
Hebrews warns:
“Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God;
lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you,
and thereby many be defiled;”
— Hebrews 12:15, KJV
A root begins beneath the surface.
Other people may not see it.
But the root feeds what later appears.
Bitterness is deeper than a temporary feeling of anger.
It is an inward condition in which resentment has been preserved and allowed to shape the way a person views the offender, the offense, and often life itself.
Bitterness may say:
“I will never release this.”
“They deserve nothing good.”
“I want others to know what kind of person they are.”
“I will interpret everything they do through what happened.”
The phrase in Hebrews is broader than a passing emotion. It describes a poisonous root capable of springing up, causing trouble, and affecting many people.
Bitterness rarely stays private.
Bitterness Rehearses the Offense
Memory serves an important purpose.
It can help us learn, establish necessary boundaries, and avoid repeated harm.
But bitterness uses memory differently.
It repeatedly reopens the injury in order to keep anger alive.
Each rehearsal strengthens a familiar story:
“I was wronged.”
“They have no excuse.”
“I must never let this go.”
“I am justified in whatever I feel.”
The event may have occurred once.
The mind experiences it hundreds of additional times.
Each rehearsal brings fresh emotion.
The person may believe he is processing the offense, but he is often feeding it.
Ask:
“Am I remembering this to act wisely?”
“Or am I remembering it in order to remain angry?”
You do not need to deny what happened.
You do need to stop using memory as fuel for vengeance.
Bitterness Changes How You See the Person
Once bitterness takes root, the offender may no longer be seen as a whole person.
Everything becomes interpreted through the offense.
A neutral action appears hostile.
A sincere apology is assumed to be manipulation.
Evidence of change is ignored.
Every weakness is collected.
The person is reduced to the worst thing he has done.
Wisdom may require caution.
Trust may need to be rebuilt.
Consequences may remain.
But bitterness refuses to see anything except the debt.
It does not merely say:
“This person did wrong.”
It says:
“This person is nothing except the wrong done to me.”
That is not how God dealt with us in Christ.
Bitterness Defiles Many
Hebrews says:
“…and thereby many be defiled.”
Bitterness spreads.
The wounded person tells the story in ways that recruit supporters.
Children inherit hostility toward relatives.
Friends are pressured to choose sides.
Church members become divided.
A marriage conflict becomes a family conflict.
A workplace disagreement becomes a campaign of suspicion.
Even people who were not present at the original offense become affected.
Lesson 37 warned against carrying reports and whispering.
Lesson 38 exposes one reason people do it:
Bitterness wants agreement.
It wants others to confirm that continued resentment is justified.
Be careful not to spread the poison while describing the wound.
Seek necessary help, but do not build an audience for vengeance.
Unforgiveness Keeps the Debt Personally
When someone sins against you, it can feel as though a debt has been created.
Something was taken:
trust;
peace;
opportunity;
reputation;
security;
or dignity.
Unforgiveness says:
“I will personally keep this debt open.”
“I will continue collecting through resentment.”
“I will punish through my thoughts, words, or conduct.”
“I will not surrender the right to make this person pay.”
The complete biblical practice of forgiveness belongs to Lesson 56.
For this lesson, the essential distinction is this:
Releasing personal vengeance does not mean declaring the wrong acceptable.
It means refusing to become the self-appointed final judge and personal collector of the debt.
Forgiveness Does Not Make Evil Good
Some resist forgiveness because they believe it requires saying:
“It did not matter.”
“It did not hurt.”
“The person did nothing wrong.”
“I must trust immediately.”
“I must remain in danger.”
Biblical forgiveness does not require falsehood.
Wrong should still be called wrong.
Abuse should not be concealed.
Criminal conduct may need to be reported.
Danger may require immediate distance and protection.
Trust may need to be rebuilt slowly, and in some cases the former relationship may never be restored to its former closeness.
Forgiveness concerns the surrender of personal vengeance.
Reconciliation and restored trust involve additional questions that Lesson 56 will address fully.
Do not use a false definition of forgiveness as a reason to preserve hatred.
Leave Vengeance With God
Paul writes:
“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves,
but rather give place unto wrath:
for it is written, Vengeance is mine;
I will repay, saith the Lord.”
— Romans 12:19, KJV
God does not say that evil does not matter.
He says vengeance belongs to Him.
God knows the complete truth.
He understands motives, facts, consequences, and every hidden detail.
His judgment is perfectly righteous.
Our judgment is limited and easily corrupted by pride, pain, and incomplete knowledge.
Leaving vengeance with God is not pretending justice is unnecessary.
It is acknowledging that God is the final Judge.
Appropriate authorities may still act.
Biblical boundaries may still be established.
But the heart no longer claims the right to nourish hatred and personally repay evil.
Overcome Evil With Good
Paul concludes:
“Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”
— Romans 12:21, KJV
When another person’s evil turns you into a bitter, vengeful, hateful person, evil has gained another victory.
The offender may have sinned against you.
Do not allow that sin to determine who you become.
Overcoming evil with good does not mean becoming passive toward danger or injustice.
It means refusing to answer sin by becoming governed by sin.
The other person’s conduct is his responsibility.
Your response is yours.
Do not surrender your character to the person who injured you.
Some Offenses Should Be Passed Over
Not every offense requires confrontation, a meeting, a public explanation, or an extended process.
Proverbs says:
“The discretion of a man deferreth his anger;
and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.”
— Proverbs 19:11, KJV
Some wrongs are small enough to be released without further action.
A careless phrase.
An inconvenience.
An unintentional slight.
A difference that wounded pride more than righteousness.
Wisdom asks:
“Does this need to be addressed?”
“Or can love and discretion pass over it?”
Passing over an offense does not mean pretending it never happened while secretly storing resentment.
It means truly deciding that the matter does not need to be collected as a debt.
Do not turn every irritation into a major spiritual trial.
Serious Offenses May Require Action
Other wrongs should not simply be ignored.
Someone may be endangered.
A repeated pattern may need to be confronted.
An authority may need to know.
A crime may need to be reported.
A relationship may need boundaries.
Evidence may need to be preserved.
The difference is between seeking appropriate truth and protection and seeking personal vengeance.
Before acting, ask:
“What outcome am I seeking?”
“Protection?”
“Truth?”
“Correction?”
“Restoration?”
“Or the satisfaction of seeing this person suffer?”
The later lessons on correction, restoration, forgiveness, and leadership will explain those responsibilities more fully.
Here, make sure that necessary action is not being driven by malice.
Anger Should Be Brought Before God
Psalm 4 says:
“Stand in awe, and sin not:
commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still.”
— Psalm 4:4, KJV
Strong emotion should drive you toward honest prayer rather than immediate retaliation.
Tell God what happened.
Do not exaggerate.
Do not pretend you are unaffected.
Ask Him to expose pride, hatred, false assumptions, and any desire for revenge.
Pray for wisdom concerning what must be addressed and what should be released.
Stillness creates space in which anger is no longer the only voice.
You may need to wait before sending the message, making the call, or confronting the person.
Waiting is not weakness when it prevents sin.
Cease From Anger Before It Produces Evil
The psalmist commands:
“Cease from anger, and forsake wrath:
fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.”
— Psalm 37:8, KJV
Anger may press toward action.
The command says:
Cease.
Forsake.
Do not continue inwardly stirring yourself until evil appears reasonable.
This may require:
leaving the room;
ending a conversation temporarily;
putting down the phone;
refusing to post publicly;
asking someone trustworthy to help you think clearly;
or waiting until your body and thoughts are calmer.
Do not stay in the place where anger is rapidly becoming action merely to prove that you can control it.
Create distance before evil is done.
Refuse to Bear a Grudge
God commanded Israel:
“Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people,
but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.”
— Leviticus 19:18, KJV
A grudge is a stored claim against another person.
It is kept ready.
The offense may be brought out whenever a new disagreement occurs.
The person is never allowed to move beyond it.
The grudge becomes a weapon held in reserve.
Refusing a grudge means that once a matter has been released, you stop using it to punish.
You do not repeatedly reopen it merely to regain power.
The complete practice of forgiving repeated and serious offenses belongs later.
The present responsibility is to stop treating resentment as a valuable possession.
Put Bitterness Away
Paul writes:
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking,
be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
— Ephesians 4:31–32, KJV
Notice the cluster:
Bitterness.
Wrath.
Anger.
Clamour.
Evil speaking.
Malice.
These sins often travel together.
In their place, Scripture commands:
Kindness.
Tenderheartedness.
Forgiveness.
The command is not to manage bitterness carefully while keeping it.
Put it away.
Do not say:
“This resentment protects me.”
“This anger gives me strength.”
“This hatred is all I have left.”
Bitterness does not protect the heart.
It poisons it.
When Anger Returns
You may release an offense sincerely and later feel anger return.
A memory is triggered.
The person repeats a smaller behavior.
Someone mentions the event.
The old emotion rises.
Do not immediately conclude that your earlier response was false.
Release may need to be reaffirmed.
Say:
“I have already surrendered personal vengeance to God.”
“I will not rebuild the case in my mind.”
“I will take any necessary righteous action without feeding hatred.”
“I refuse to make bitterness my home.”
Then redirect the mind from repeated accusation toward prayer, truth, present responsibility, and God’s judgment.
Forgiveness is sometimes a settled decision that must be remembered when emotion takes time to follow.
A Practical Anger-to-Freedom Pattern
1. Pause Before Acting
Do not allow anger to decide what you say or do.
2. Name the Offense Accurately
State what happened without exaggeration or mind-reading.
3. Examine Why You Are Angry
Was there a real wrong, wounded pride, frustrated desire, or mixture of these?
4. Identify What Anger Wants You to Do
Retaliate?
Humiliate?
Withdraw to punish?
Recruit supporters?
5. Bring the Matter Before God
Ask Him to expose sin in your response and give wisdom.
6. Decide Whether the Matter Should Be Passed Over or Addressed
Not every offense requires the same response.
7. Refuse Personal Vengeance
Leave final repayment with God.
8. Stop Rehearsing the Injury
Do not continue using memory to keep resentment alive.
9. Take Appropriate Righteous Action
Seek protection, truth, counsel, correction, or lawful help where necessary.
10. Put Away the Root
Refuse bitterness, grudges, malice, and the desire to make the offender suffer.
Discipleship Questions
- Why can anger begin with a real wrong and still develop into a sinful response?
- What does Cain’s example teach about addressing anger before it enters and rules?
- How does repeatedly rehearsing an offense feed bitterness?
- What is the difference between seeking appropriate justice and seeking personal vengeance?
- What offense are you presently tempted to preserve as a grudge or repeatedly reopen within your thoughts?
Closing Exhortation
Anger is not a trustworthy master.
Examine it.
Do not allow it to settle.
Do not keep it alive through rehearsal.
Do not spread it to other people.
Do not use a real wrong as permission to commit another wrong.
Sin lies at the door.
Rule your spirit.
Cease from anger.
Forsake wrath.
Pass over small offenses when wisdom permits.
Address serious wrongs through righteous means.
Leave vengeance with God.
Stop trying to collect the debt through bitterness, silence, humiliation, or hatred.
Put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, evil speaking, and malice.
Do not allow someone else’s sin to turn you into someone governed by sin.
Overcome evil with good.
A Prayer to Overcome Anger and Bitterness
Father,
You know every offense, injustice, wound, and disappointment I have experienced.
You also know every sinful response within me.
Forgive me for allowing anger to become wrath, resentment, bitterness, evil speaking, or a desire for revenge.
Show me where my anger concerns a real wrong and where it has been mixed with wounded pride, selfish desire, or false assumptions.
Keep me from acting while anger is ruling me.
Help me cease from anger before it produces evil.
Teach me to rule my spirit.
Expose every offense I have repeatedly rehearsed in order to keep resentment alive.
Protect other people from being defiled by bitterness spreading through me.
Where an offense can be passed over, give me grace to release it truly.
Where serious action is necessary, help me seek truth, protection, and justice without malice.
I surrender personal vengeance to You.
You are the righteous Judge.
Keep me from punishing people through silence, humiliation, gossip, withdrawal, or hatred.
Put away bitterness from my heart.
Make me kind, tenderhearted, and willing to forgive because of the mercy You have shown me through Jesus Christ.
When anger returns, help me refuse to rebuild the case and surrender the matter again.
Do not allow evil done against me to rule what I become.
Help me overcome evil with good.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
Next Step
Complete these statements honestly:
The offense I continue rehearsing is:
What actually happened, without exaggeration, is:
What my anger wants me to do is:
The part of my response that is sinful is:
Whether this matter should be passed over or addressed is:
The appropriate righteous action, if any, is:
The personal vengeance I must surrender to God is:
The person to whom I have spread bitterness or harmful speech is:
Do not write only:
“I need to stop being angry.”
Name the offense.
Separate truth from exaggeration.
Refuse personal vengeance.
Then stop feeding the root.
Previous Lesson: Lesson 37 — How to Control Your Tongue
Next Lesson: Lesson 39 — How to Live Honestly Before God and Men