Lesson 37 How to Control Your Tongue
The tongue is small, but its influence is not.
A few words can damage a friendship that took years to build.
A private comment can spread through an entire church, family, or workplace.
A careless statement can remain in another person’s memory long after the speaker has forgotten it.
Words can also strengthen the weak, instruct the confused, comfort the grieving, confess Christ, offer prayer, express gratitude, and communicate grace.
James writes:
“For in many things we offend all.
If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man,
and able also to bridle the whole body.”
— James 3:2, KJV
Control of the tongue is one evidence of spiritual maturity.
A person may possess knowledge, gifts, and religious activity while still causing great harm through undisciplined speech.
The tongue must be brought beneath the authority of Jesus Christ.
The Tongue Is Small but Powerful
James uses several pictures to explain the tongue.
A small bit directs a large horse.
A small helm directs a great ship.
A small fire can burn a large amount of material.
“Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things.
Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!”
— James 3:5, KJV
Size does not determine influence.
A sentence may take only seconds to speak while producing consequences that last for years.
One accusation can destroy trust.
One rumor can damage a reputation.
One humiliating remark can wound a child, spouse, friend, or fellow believer.
One repeated complaint can darken the atmosphere of an entire home.
The brevity of a statement does not make it harmless.
Before speaking, remember that words travel farther and remain longer than you may intend.
The Tongue Can Become a Fire
James continues:
“And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity:
so is the tongue among our members,
that it defileth the whole body,
and setteth on fire the course of nature;
and it is set on fire of hell.”
— James 3:6, KJV
Fire spreads.
Once released, it may move beyond the control of the person who started it.
The speaker may say:
“I only told one person.”
But that person tells another.
Details are added.
Motives are assumed.
The report changes.
Relationships are damaged.
The original speaker may later wish to stop the fire, but the words have already spread.
You cannot gather spoken words back into your mouth.
An apology may be necessary and sincere. Forgiveness may be graciously given. But consequences may remain.
Wisdom acts before the fire begins.
Human Strength Alone Cannot Tame the Tongue
James says:
“For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents,
and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
But the tongue can no man tame;
it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.”
— James 3:7–8, KJV
James is not saying that believers should abandon all effort because change is impossible.
He is exposing self-confidence.
Human beings have demonstrated remarkable power over creation, yet the tongue repeatedly escapes human control.
A person may promise:
“I will never say that again.”
Then the next stressful situation exposes the same pattern.
Lasting control requires more than determination.
The heart must be changed.
The mind must be renewed.
The believer must depend upon God, receive Scripture, practice restraint, and remain watchful.
Do not say proudly:
“I always speak my mind. That is just who I am.”
An uncontrolled tongue is not a virtue.
It is evidence that an area of life still needs to be brought beneath Christ.
The Tongue Reveals What Fills the Heart
Jesus said:
“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart
bringeth forth that which is good;
and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart
bringeth forth that which is evil:
for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.”
— Luke 6:45, KJV
Words are not disconnected accidents.
They often reveal what has been gathering within.
Pride may emerge as boasting.
Envy may emerge as criticism.
Fear may emerge as constant negative predictions.
Resentment may emerge as cutting remarks.
A hunger for attention may emerge as exaggeration or continual self-reference.
Contempt may emerge as ridicule.
The words do not create every inward problem. They expose what is already present.
When harmful speech occurs, do not address only the sentence.
Ask:
“What was filling my heart?”
“What desire, fear, attitude, or judgment produced those words?”
The mouth must be guarded, but the source must also be examined.
Blessing God While Harming People Is a Contradiction
James writes:
“Therewith bless we God, even the Father;
and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing.
My brethren, these things ought not so to be.”
— James 3:9–10, KJV
The same mouth may sing worship, quote Scripture, pray publicly, and then humiliate or destroy another person.
James says:
“These things ought not so to be.”
People bear the image of God.
That does not make every action they take right. It does mean they should not be treated as worthless objects upon whom we may unload whatever we feel.
Worship should affect speech after the service ends.
The mouth offered to God in prayer should not be casually surrendered to cruelty, gossip, mockery, or contempt.
More Words Create More Opportunity for Sin
Proverbs says:
“In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin:
but he that refraineth his lips is wise.”
— Proverbs 10:19, KJV
The verse does not teach that silence is always more righteous than speaking.
There are times to testify, encourage, correct, warn, explain, confess, defend the innocent, and proclaim truth.
But many words increase opportunities for carelessness.
A person may continue speaking after the necessary point has been made.
He adds details that do not belong to him.
He moves from facts into assumptions.
He exaggerates for effect.
He reveals private information.
He says something sharp to keep attention.
Wisdom knows when enough has been said.
Not every silence must be filled.
Not every opinion must be expressed.
Not every story must be told.
Not every question must receive an immediate answer.
Restraint Is Not Weakness
Proverbs says:
“He that hath knowledge spareth his words:
and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.
Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise:
and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.”
— Proverbs 17:27–28, KJV
Some people speak quickly because silence feels like weakness.
They fear that if they do not answer immediately, they will lose control, appear uninformed, or allow someone else to have the final word.
But restraint may demonstrate greater strength than reaction.
Silence can create room to:
understand what was actually said;
separate facts from assumptions;
examine motive;
pray;
or choose words that serve a godly purpose.
Not every delayed response is fear.
Sometimes it is wisdom refusing to release a word that cannot be retrieved.
Guarding the Mouth Protects From Trouble
Scripture says:
“Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue
keepeth his soul from troubles.”
— Proverbs 21:23, KJV
Many troubles do not begin with an unavoidable circumstance.
They begin with an avoidable statement.
A private matter is repeated.
A promise is spoken too quickly.
A complaint is delivered to the wrong person.
A harsh response invites another harsh response.
A confidential matter becomes public.
A joke wounds someone.
The speaker may later say:
“I did not intend for this to happen.”
Intent matters, but it does not erase every consequence.
Guarding the mouth is not fear of communication.
It is stewardship.
Your words should pass through judgment before they are released.
Ask God to Guard the Door
The psalmist prayed:
“Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth;
keep the door of my lips.”
— Psalm 141:3, KJV
He understood that he needed God’s help.
A door controls what passes through an entrance.
The lips are pictured as a door.
Before words leave, pray:
“Lord, should this pass through?”
“Is it true?”
“Is it necessary?”
“Is this the proper time?”
“Am I speaking to help, or merely to release what I feel?”
“Would silence serve better?”
This prayer should not remain general.
Use it in actual situations.
Before an important conversation.
Before responding to criticism.
Before repeating something about another person.
Before posting publicly.
Before sending a message written under strong emotion.
Ask God to guard the door.
Be Slow to Speak
James writes:
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren,
let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”
— James 1:19, KJV
The complete subject of wrath belongs to Lesson 38.
The speech principle is clear:
Be slow to speak.
Slow speech does not mean speaking with an unnatural physical pace.
It means not rushing toward expression before listening and understanding.
Many conflicts are intensified because people answer what they assume was meant rather than what was actually said.
The other person is still speaking, but the reply is already being prepared.
The goal becomes winning rather than understanding.
A controlled tongue begins with controlled listening.
Ask:
“Did I hear the complete statement?”
“Do I understand what this person means?”
“Should I ask a question before forming a conclusion?”
Listening prevents many unnecessary words.
Do Not Speak Merely to Release Pressure
Sometimes a person speaks because emotion has created inward pressure.
He says:
“I just needed to get it out.”
But another person may be forced to carry what he released.
Not every inward feeling should be poured immediately into another person’s hearing.
Strong emotion may require prayer, reflection, wise counsel, or time before communication.
This does not mean hiding genuine concerns or refusing necessary conversations.
It means that the purpose of speaking should be more than personal release.
Ask:
“What will these words do to the hearer?”
“Am I speaking to solve something—or merely transferring my agitation?”
“Would I say this in the same way after prayer and careful thought?”
The hearer is not a container for every ungoverned emotion.
Idle Words Matter
Jesus said:
“But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak,
they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
For by thy words thou shalt be justified,
and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.”
— Matthew 12:36–37, KJV
An idle word is not merely a relaxed conversation or harmless humor.
The warning concerns careless, empty, unprofitable words that reveal the heart and are spoken without proper regard for truth and accountability.
Jesus teaches that words matter before God.
A statement does not become morally meaningless because it was:
“only a joke,”
“said while upset,”
“posted online,”
or “not meant seriously.”
Humor can bring wholesome joy.
But humor should not become permission for humiliation, impurity, cruelty, or dishonesty.
The coming judgment should produce sober stewardship of speech.
Speech Before God Must Not Be Hasty
Ecclesiastes says:
“Be not rash with thy mouth,
and let not thine heart be hasty to utter any thing before God:
for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth:
therefore let thy words be few.”
— Ecclesiastes 5:2, KJV
People may make promises to God during fear, excitement, or emotional worship.
They may speak dramatically without considering whether they intend to obey.
Reverence should govern speech before God.
Do not attempt to impress Him with many words.
Do not promise what you are unwilling to perform.
Do not use spiritual language carelessly.
Remember who God is.
Prayer should be honest rather than theatrical.
Gossip Keeps Fires Burning
Proverbs says:
“Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out:
so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.”
— Proverbs 26:20, KJV
A fire needs fuel.
Strife often needs someone willing to carry the report.
The talebearer says:
“I thought you should know.”
“I am telling you only so you can pray.”
“Do not repeat this, but…”
Yet the information may not belong to the listener.
It may not be verified.
It may not serve any righteous purpose.
Before repeating a matter, ask:
“Does this person need to know?”
“Am I helping resolve the issue—or spreading it?”
“Would I say this if the person being discussed were present?”
“Have I disguised curiosity as concern?”
Refusing to carry the report may remove the fuel the fire requires.
Whispering Separates Friends
Scripture warns:
“A froward man soweth strife:
and a whisperer separateth chief friends.”
— Proverbs 16:28, KJV
Whispering suggests secret speech about someone who is absent.
It may create suspicion.
One friend begins viewing another through information that was never discussed openly.
Trust weakens.
Motives are questioned.
The whisperer may appear helpful while quietly separating people.
Do not become the hidden third voice inside another relationship.
When a concern should be addressed, encourage appropriate direct communication rather than building a private alliance through criticism.
The later lessons on correction and relationships will explain those processes more fully.
Here, refuse to use secrecy to create division.
Do Not Repeat Everything You Hear
Being told something does not make you its rightful messenger.
Some information was shared in confidence.
Some was spoken during distress and should not become a permanent public record.
Some may be incomplete or false.
Some matters belong to people with proper responsibility to address them.
A controlled tongue understands:
“I do not own every story I hear.”
Before repeating information, consider:
Is disclosure necessary to prevent harm?
Does a responsible person need to know?
Did the speaker give permission?
Am I seeking help—or attention?
Silence is not always concealment.
Sometimes it is faithfulness.
Corrupt Communication Must Be Replaced
Paul writes:
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth,
but that which is good to the use of edifying,
that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
— Ephesians 4:29, KJV
This verse contains both removal and replacement.
Do not allow corrupt communication to proceed.
Instead, speak what is:
good;
useful for edifying;
and able to minister grace.
To edify means to build up.
This does not mean every statement must be pleasant or flattering.
A warning may build someone.
An honest question may help.
A necessary disagreement may serve truth.
But the purpose should not be destruction for personal satisfaction.
Ask:
“What will this build?”
“Will it help the hearer move toward truth, wisdom, faithfulness, or hope?”
“Am I trying to restore—or merely wound?”
Controlled speech is not merely less speech.
It is more purposeful speech.
Grace-Filled Speech Is Not Flattery
Words that minister grace are not dishonest compliments.
Flattery praises someone in order to gain advantage, approval, or influence.
Grace-filled speech remains truthful.
It may encourage real faithfulness.
Express gratitude.
Recognize growth.
Offer comfort.
Give careful instruction.
Or speak necessary truth with humility.
Do not withhold sincere encouragement because you fear appearing weak.
Many people remember criticism more easily than gratitude.
A controlled tongue should not be active only when something is wrong.
Learn to speak what strengthens what is good.
Timing Matters
Proverbs says:
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”
— Proverbs 25:11, KJV
A right word can become less helpful when spoken at the wrong time or in the wrong manner.
Someone may need truth, but not during public humiliation.
A serious conversation may need privacy.
A person in deep grief may first need compassionate presence rather than a long explanation.
A correction may need to wait until strong emotions have settled.
This does not mean delaying indefinitely because truth feels uncomfortable.
It means recognizing that wisdom governs timing as well as content.
Ask:
“Is this the proper moment?”
“Is this the proper setting?”
“Can this person hear what I am trying to say?”
The later lesson on correction will develop this more fully.
Tone Carries Meaning
Two people may use nearly identical words while communicating something very different through tone.
A question can express sincere desire to understand—or contempt.
A truthful statement can be delivered with grief—or pleasure in another person’s failure.
A request can be humble—or demanding.
The exact words do not always reveal the whole message.
Before speaking, examine not only:
“What am I saying?”
Also ask:
“How am I saying it?”
“What attitude will the hearer receive?”
Tone should not be used to hide cruelty beneath technically correct words.
Written Words Also Belong to the Tongue’s Responsibility
Biblical writers did not use text messages, comments, emails, or social-media posts, but written communication still expresses the heart through words.
People often write things online they would never say while standing before another person.
Distance creates boldness without accountability.
Before sending or posting, ask:
“Would I say this face-to-face?”
“Have I represented the person accurately?”
“Am I seeking truth—or public victory?”
“Could this private matter be addressed privately?”
“Am I writing under emotion that should first settle?”
A message can be reread many times.
Its influence may outlast a spoken sentence.
Do not assume the screen removes accountability.
Decide Before Entering a Difficult Conversation
David said:
“I said, I will take heed to my ways,
that I sin not with my tongue:
I will keep my mouth with a bridle,
while the wicked is before me.”
— Psalm 39:1, KJV
David made a decision before pressure controlled the moment.
You can do the same.
Before a difficult conversation, settle several things:
“I will listen before answering.”
“I will not reveal unrelated failures.”
“I will not humiliate this person publicly.”
“I will not threaten what I do not intend to do.”
“I will not continue speaking merely to win.”
“I will pause if my words begin escaping control.”
Planning does not guarantee perfect speech.
It places a bridle before the horse begins running.
When Silence Becomes Wrong
Controlling the tongue does not mean never speaking.
Silence can also become sinful when truth, protection, confession, encouragement, or testimony is required.
A person may remain silent because he fears people.
He may refuse to defend someone being falsely accused.
He may withhold important information from someone who needs it.
He may avoid apologizing.
He may never speak the gospel.
Those subjects receive fuller attention later in the course.
The present distinction is this:
Tongue control means speaking and remaining silent under God’s authority.
The goal is not maximum silence.
The goal is faithful speech.
When You Have Spoken Wrongly
Perhaps the harmful words have already been spoken.
Do not justify them by saying:
“That is how I felt.”
“They made me say it.”
“Everything I said was technically true.”
“They deserved it.”
Take responsibility.
Ask:
What did I say?
Was it sinful, careless, unnecessary, or destructive?
Who heard it?
Who was harmed?
What should be confessed or corrected?
An apology should not say:
“I am sorry you were offended.”
Say clearly:
“I spoke wrongly.”
“I should not have said that.”
“I harmed you.”
“Please forgive me.”
Where false or damaging information was spread, correction may need to reach the same people who heard it.
Lesson 39 will address falsehood fully, and Lesson 56 will teach forgiveness. The immediate principle is that controlled speech includes taking responsibility when control has failed.
A Simple Guard for the Tongue
Before speaking, use this pattern.
1. Pause
Do not allow urgency or emotion to make the decision automatically.
2. Examine the Heart
What is motivating these words?
Love?
Pride?
Fear?
Attention?
The desire to wound?
3. Identify the Purpose
What good should these words accomplish?
4. Consider the Hearer
Does this person need to hear this?
Am I the proper person to say it?
5. Check the Timing and Setting
Should this be said now, privately, later, or not at all?
6. Remove What Corrupts
Reject gossip, ridicule, unnecessary exposure, contempt, and careless excess.
7. Speak to Edify
Use words that serve truth and minister grace.
8. Stop When Enough Has Been Said
Do not keep talking until a helpful conversation becomes harmful.
9. Take Responsibility After Failure
Confess and correct rather than defending the words.
Discipleship Questions
- Why does James compare the tongue to a bit, a ship’s helm, and a fire?
- How do words reveal what has been filling the heart?
- Why can silence and delayed speech sometimes demonstrate greater strength than an immediate answer?
- What is the difference between speech that ministers grace and flattering or merely pleasant speech?
- What recurring situation most often causes you to lose control of your tongue?
Closing Exhortation
Your tongue is small.
Its influence is not.
Do not treat careless words as a minor weakness.
A spark may become a fire.
A whisper may separate close friends.
An idle word remains accountable before God.
Ask the Lord to guard the door of your lips.
Be swift to hear and slow to speak.
Do not speak merely to release pressure.
Do not carry every report.
Do not fill every silence.
Do not use truth as a weapon for personal satisfaction.
Put away corrupt communication.
Speak what builds.
Speak what gives grace.
Speak at the proper time and in the proper manner.
And when silence better serves faithfulness, keep the door closed.
Your mouth belongs to the Lord.
Let your speech increasingly reveal that Jesus Christ rules your heart.
A Prayer for a Controlled Tongue
Father,
You hear every word I speak and know the heart from which it comes.
Forgive me for careless, destructive, proud, mocking, unnecessary, and ungracious speech.
Forgive me for repeating matters that did not belong to me.
Forgive me for speaking before listening and for using words merely to release anger, pressure, or wounded pride.
Set a watch before my mouth.
Keep the door of my lips.
Teach me to pause before I speak.
Show me what is filling my heart when harmful words come out.
Help me listen fully and understand before answering.
Keep me from gossip, whispering, ridicule, humiliation, and unnecessary exposure of others.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of my mouth.
Teach me to speak what is good for edification and what ministers grace to the hearer.
Give me wisdom concerning timing, setting, tone, and silence.
When I have spoken wrongly, give me humility to confess it plainly and correct the harm where possible.
Let my words bless You and honor people made in Your image.
Bring my tongue beneath the lordship of Jesus Christ.
In His name, amen.
Next Step
Complete these statements honestly:
The situation in which I most often lose control of my tongue is:
The heart attitude usually beneath my words is:
The kind of harmful speech I must put off is:
The words or silence I should put on instead are:
The sentence I will use to create a pause is:
Examples include:
“I need a moment before I answer.”
“Help me understand what you mean.”
“I should not repeat that.”
“I need to pray before continuing this conversation.”
The person to whom I may need to apologize is:
Do not settle for saying:
“I need to talk less.”
Identify the trigger.
Examine the heart.
Prepare the pause.
Then place the door of your lips beneath God’s guard.
Previous Lesson: Lesson 36 — How to Keep Your Heart From Loving the World
Next Lesson: Lesson 38 — How to Overcome Anger, Bitterness, and Unforgiveness